Conflict

We've all had moments when we've made a *brilliant* discovery in a "Duh" kind of way. And it just amazes you so much that you want to share it even though it doesn't impress other people the way it does you. I had one of those moments on Friday.

It occurred to me that this week will mark the milestone of having lived in my current location as long as I did in the state where I was born & raised. 19 years in [state], 1 year of VS in [state] and now 19 years in [state]. Wow! But that's not the brilliant part. It only goes to show I've reached the vicinity of middle age. 

It's human nature to morph to fit your culture. We tend to start thinking & acting like the people we're around. I know I have changed, apart from maturing. When I moved to this state as a young bride, it was like a whole new culture I had to figure out (To my family- think 'shucks' here) and I didn't always do so well. For something like the first 10 years I still referred to [state] as 'home' i.e. we're going home, and I would have moved back if anything had happened to my husband. In the last decade or so,  it's [state], not 'home', and if I were to lose my husband I believe I would stay here where my support system is. I feel like a stranger in my former church. There is virtually no one from my youth group remaining there; it's my mom's peers who talk to me when we visit there. I consider myself to be [church affiliation] with only faint traces of [church affiliation] remaining in me.

I view the world from my perspective, which is shaped by my experiences in life. I have trouble thinking outside the box... to see an issue from the opposing viewpoint. Particularly in advance. Which would save me from the nasty business of tasting my socks when my foot ends up in my mouth! Is it just me that's really bad at this?

So my brilliant ?? discovery was that I was caught in a clash between 2 cultures in terms of how one should deal with conflict. On one hand was the philosophy of "Drop the subject" ...while on the other hand was a philosophy that has more to do with wading through messy issues instead of running from conflict. I was failing to match the culture with the response familiar to that culture.

I have this theory that virtually all conflicts are the result of misunderstandings. Communication is so key to relationships. And in our age of technology, with more people communicating electronically, it's easier to be misunderstood. (Can someone invent email with body language & tone of voice for those of us who are writers more than phone-talkers?) Look at it this way- why aren't my friends and/or spouse offending me on a regular basis? Friends can offer constructive criticism and I accept it. Why? Because they stuck around long enough to get to know me. Really know me. I know where they're coming from so I know how to take what they say. When it's good natured ribbing so I should laugh along. When it's concern for me because I'm off track & plainly need some sense knocked into my head. 

When I think of interpersonal relationships, I often have to think of something a relative said on the subject. It went something like this- A friend can walk across the room with a plate of food in their hand, trip and dump their entire thing into your lap. You sympathize, assuring them it's OK, it could happen to anyone, no big deal. Meanwhile someone you don't like very well can be sitting across the room eating and just the way they hold their spoon bugs you. :) Are you laughing? I've been told we laugh when we identify with something. Transparency here- I'm laughing. But never fear- hold your spoon however you wish. If you're reading this, you're more likely to be numbered among my friends who could dump a plate into my lap.

With someone I don't know very well, it's not too difficult to get hurt by something they said or did. So I withdraw. They perceive me as snobby and withdraw in return. It's all a misunderstanding. And a vicious cycle. It's difficult to build a relationship with one we don't trust. Ah, but extra rewarding when we make the effort to extend grace and discover he/she isn't so different from me after all and is really a very nice person. Ah, but scary as well because we have no assurance that any acceptance of the grace will be extended our way.

The purpose of this post is not to air laundry. Don't imagine yourself into my words. I've been pondering this subject because it touches several situations that affect my life currently. I am looking to educate myself- to broaden my understanding of other perspectives on life. Do you have a story to share? When have you been hurt by a careless, insensitive remark? Was it ever resolved and what did it take to accomplish that? I want to be more sensitive to people's feelings. I want to be more Christ-like... a more accurate reflection of Him. I want to understand and be understood.
I guess where I'm coming from on this is we are prone to hurting others simply because we don't know. We don't know what they are feeling. What they've experienced/are experiencing that makes them vulnerable. I can say rude things that stab my acquantances who deal with infertility because I don't know what that feels like. I've never lived down the regret of demo-ing a Mother's Day card [when I was doing stamping parties] for a hostess who had recently lost her mother. Ouch! Nor do I know what feels hurtful to a single person in a world of married people. I have been stabbed myself many times by words and actions of the many who do not know what it feels like to parent a disabled child. We can't be all things to all people, but I would sure like to develop the character of being a thoughtful, caring person sometime before I die.