The older I get the more I realize I want one thing in my life more than anything else:
Peace.
Well, maybe two things because I also want chocolate.
I want friendships that aren’t fragile. I want relationships that aren’t volatile. I want people in my life where the connection between us isn’t delicate or easily broken. Where you trust me and I trust you and things are talked out. (I mean how many novels would have no plot if the characters would just TALK?!!)
I want it all as comfortable as possible…like sweatpants that are pilled but comfy, and allow room for growth in the same way as drawstring waistbands.
I don’t want conflict with anyone. I don’t want bitterness, or anger, or awkwardness when we see each other. I don't do well with any of that “Are we speaking? Are we not speaking? Are we friends? Are we pleasant face to face, but behind my back you’re spitting fire and criticizing?”
I don’t want any drama. Not now. Not ever. Not even in tiny doses. If you throw it my way, I hate to disappoint you, but I will not even attempt to catch it.
I don’t want chaos, or turmoil, or any of that. I don’t want gossip. I don’t want to hear secrets that may or may not even be true. I mean…I’ll keep your secrets for sure, but I’m just going to extend compassion and assume everybody is doing the best they possibly can. I know I am.
And I’m good on the tea. I don’t need any. I prefer decaf iced coffee anyway.
I'm so tired of conflict. And coddling unrealistic expectations.
I want peace.
I’m learning that sometimes it’s not really about keeping the peace. It’s about creating peace.
It’s about confronting things head-on. It’s about asking good questions. It’s about listening. It's about being realistic about where we are. It’s about making choices and moving ahead in spite of the backlash. It's refusing to brush the difficult stuff under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s about talking things out but approaching every situation with kindness first.
It’s about apologizing.
It’s about maturity.
It’s about boundaries and knowing not everyone will appreciate them, want them, or like them.
It’s about acknowledging to myself that messy relationships hurt precisely because I care.
I know I’m a mess sometimes and I’m insecure. I make so many mistakes. I'm imperfect.
I just…
want peace.
I want it to ooze out of me. I want it in me, on me, around me. I want it to come through me.
No matter what anyone else is doing.
I want peace.
And truffles, obviously.
